Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been different. I didn’t do things the way my siblings did, and I’m still reminded of it. My father loves to tell the “celery” story. How I put my celery on Carol’s plate and he told me not to. He said I didn’t have to eat it, but I kept putting it on her plate. He took my hand and made me pick it up off her plate, but then I put it right back on. It’s unclear why I wanted it there, but is was very clear that Dad was not going to make me change my mind.

Some people think I may have a touch of Autism, but very low on the scale. I didn’t understand a lot of the jokes that were told and I was very afraid of things. I can remember the rest of the family laughing and having fun, but I didn’t know why. And when they played “getting put to the ceiling,” I ran and hid. I didn’t like having Dad hold me with one hand and put my back on the ceiling. I can remember them laughing as I cried, so I started hiding. And then I felt bad when they didn’t look for me after the ceiling part was done. Dad will tell you that the leaves rustling in front of Gramma & Grampa’s house terrified me. I do remember bad dreams and going to Mom & Dad’s room and being told to go back to bed. I started wondering if anybody missed me or wanted me around.

Growing up, I didn’t have many friends. I still don’t, but I have better relationships than when I was younger. I think the years have clarified for me some rules that I don’t innately know. I still have problems reaching out. I don’t want to bother people when I know they have more important things to do than deal with me. I like to be a help to others, and often offer, but it is very hard for me to ask for what I need. Whether that means time listening, help, money, or even just to hang out with me.

All this has made Amy very important to me. We shared a room for most of our adolescent years, so she know me better than anyone. And she understands me. She explains things to me when needed; fortunately that’s not as often as it used to be. She has called me a nomad before. Part of that is because I move homes often, and part of that is because I’m always searching for where I belong. I love to travel and I love adventures. But, I do need to find a “forever” home. That sounds so scary…forever.

With Amy’s help and love, I will be able to find a home and be able to consider it my forever home. I will always keep moving my shoes from place to place though…I can’t help it!

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